The Mother of All Holiday List Rants

It’s time for a little good old fashioned, bah-humbuggy venting here at Cattywampus Life. ‘Tis the season for family stress, and so I’ll channel my inner Andy Rooney and get all grumpy with you for a second with the goal of ridding the world of some of my biggest pet peeves of the season.

The subject of my rant is Christmas lists, and why I hate the things. Christmas lists have become the bane of my existence for many reasons. And, so, here is my advice. See to it that you are not one of these holiday list criminals each year, lest you get on one of your family member’s naughty lists.

The Last Minute Lister (LML)
The LML likes to make promises of sending a list after promise. And, they will send their list eventually. Actually, of all these categories, I tend to fall closest into this one and one other. But, because of some of these other list types, I feel I have good reason, so try not to judge me just yet.

The worst kind of LML is the LML with a twist. This form of LMR likes to not give a list until the last minute, and then bombard you with very specific items and high demands that you can’t possible fulfill without performing some sort of Christmas voo doo magic.

The List Boycotter (LB)
I threaten to become one of these each year. Next year, I may deliver on my threat, even though I have had someone who is an LB in my family this year and they had better not EVEN complain about getting a very generic and boring gift card. Throw a dog a bone, people. Don’t be an LB—give your family a little something to go on!

The List Hounder/Harrasser (LH/H)
The list harasser starts bugging family members for their list at a ridiculously early time of year. The month of October comes to mind, not that I’m saying I have an LH/H in my family. You might be an LH/H if you’re bugging family members on October 31st because you just “want to get a jump on things.” Don’t talk to me in October. You’ll be lucky if you get my list by Thanksgiving and starting earlier will not get it to you any faster. In fact, I purposely held off on giving you my list this year because of your early harassment.

The Crappy Lister (CL)
Also known as the “Oh, I don’t need anything” lister, you can be assured that this person’s holiday list will have the most boring/generic and usually cheap things on it.

Here’s a hint. If you really need coasters, will you please just go buy them yourself? No one else wants to shop for those damn things either and most feel like complete boobs for getting that for someone, even if it is on their list. And, while you’re at it, remove all the everyday items from your list too—like fruit punch, batteries, and so forth. You may think I’m joking, but I am seriously dealing with several CLs in my life right now.

Also, the very specific items that relate to your hobby? Yeah, no one GETS what those are and I can’t even tell you how blah it  feels to buy someone something and not even have the biggest CLUE what it is!

The Ultimate Lister (UL)
Yes, we’d all like that latest IPod gadget or an iPhone for Christmas, wouldn’t we? Here’s a clue. If your cheapest item costs $100 or more, your family most likely calls you a jerk-faced douche bag behind your back. Because, that’s just rude y’all. Incidentally, the UL and the CL need to get together and make their lists and maybe they could come up with something a little more realistic.

The List Hogger (LH)
I can’t write this post without going into my least, least favorite of the holiday list offenses—the List Hogger. This person really infuriates me because, for whatever motivation they have, they decided to get EVERYTHING off your holiday list and leave nothing else from which the rest of your family members can choose. Do they think it is a competition? Are they that afraid of being left with nothing to buy you? Really? Or is it just a way to stick that needle in and turn it so that by the time you’re sitting down to your holiday meal, you have visions of your sugar plum fists, dancing all over their head?

Oh, and even better? The List Hog who calls and notifies all the family that they’ve gotten it all already so it is not available. This is the equivalent of the girl in your high school classes who sat on the front row and always rushed through the tests so she could raiser her hand and announce, “Mr. Taylor? I’m FINISHED!” Also, when you get those ugly-assed coasters from me, well you can be assured that it is not because I’m a cheap skate. It is because Uncle so-and-so decided to snarf all the gift ideas for himself to look like the big shot at Christmas. And, trust me, next year, I’m doing an all out List Boycott on him!

The List Ranter (LR)
The list ranter is someone who complains about every person’s list and complains about writing their own. There is no doubt that you’ve read this and know that I’m a total LR. And, it’s because I don’t feel like I can win. Between the harassers, hogs, and boycotters, I am ready to just throw in the towel and tell everyone to get me nothing for the next decade.

Do you see yourself in any of these list types? Do you have another type in your family that you’d like to add to my list of listers?

Oh, and, next year I have decided to become a new kind of holiday list maker. I have tried so many ways to appease everyone in my family and see no other way to keep my sanity and survive the holiday bombardment.

The List Laugher (LL)

When anyone asks for a Christmas list for me or anyone in my family, I intend to break into uproarious laughter and say, “Oh, NO! You MUST be kidding me. You’re not getting one of THOSE! Good luck shopping SUCKA!!!”