A lightbulb moment served up by J.C.

Let me start off by saying that I am a firm believer that God works in mysterious ways in my life. Also, he is not above slapping me in the face with something to get my attention at times.

 

Today, I saw “Julie & Julia,” finally. I had wanted to see this movie, but didn’t think any of my girlfriends did so I resigned myself to one day renting it. My hubby tolerates chick flicks by DVD only these days—a true sign we’ve been married longer than a decade. So, I was surprised when a close pal of my emailed asking to go to an early flick a day before her birthday to celebrate.

 

There was never a chance that I would NOT like this movie. How’s that for a double negative? The back story: a writer turned cubical worker, starts a blog dedicated to cooking her way through Julia Child’s best selling cookbook, and learns a lot more about herself along the way. Also, the side story flashes back to the life of the cooking legend courtesy of another amazing acting performance by Meryl Streep.

 

The movie spoke to me on more levels than I anticipated though. Let me explain.

 

I am at a turning point in my life. I am not completely content, although I have a very blessed life and I love my family dearly. We have struggled this past year desperately to get our 10-yr-old son to sleep normally again. He has night fears and problems sleeping that routinely wake my husband and me up several times a night, at least 4-5 times a week. I am a chronic insomniac myself, so adding this issue to my nighttime sleeping disorder has really been catastrophic to me, both mentally and physically.

 

Add to that, the fact that I’m trying to find my way—figure out why I’m not satisfied when I have all these gifts in my life, understand if I need to go back to work or not to find myself again or if some other big change needs to be made and it has been hard. It’s been a year of searching so far, and a year of a lot of tears on my part and frustration (I suspect) for my spouse.

 

It’s been a year of bad temper too. What used to be an occasional bad mood/upset outburst has now become something that pops up way more often and my anger point has raised considerably. I get enraged so easily now and I am not sure why. My temper problems embarass me greatly.

 

What I do know is that, when a blow up happens, I feel great remorse after. Like last night, when my son woke us up yet again and I had JUST gotten to sleep. Well, I lost it completely.  I went off in a way that you should never do in front of your child. It was an all-time parenting low point.

 

So, then I spent the rest of the night not sleeping, but instead hating myself for my actions. Because what kind of mother does that really? I’d all but talked myself into moving to some deserted island so that I could spare the world of my wrath by the time that the sun came up. (I joke, but I don’t joke here because that was seriously my mindset.)

 

Little sleep and that kind of thinking translates into not a very functional day around these parts. But, I made it to the movie to meet my friend, unfortunately very late. And, as I sat through this movie, I found myself crying in not necessarily the crying parts.

 

The main character in this movie, Julie, goes through a sort of meltdown herself. Constantly comparing herself to Julia, her idol, she realizes that she can’t be that person.  In the meantime, we see Julia having her own struggles, but fiercely staying true to who she is—unique and unapologetically different. Child’s husband basks in utter love for this women who is unlike most anyone else in the world and is so full of life. That part of the story really got me.

 

It took my breath away, actually–the realization that this movie gave me as I sat in the theater. And, then it finally came to me…what my REAL problem is right now.

 

My issue is not my bad temper, or the fact that I can’t have a single thought hit my head without projectile vomiting it back out of my mouth at record speeds.

  

My problem is not that I wear my heart on my sleeve, that I hold myself to ridiculously high standards or that I sometimes drop a bad word in front of my kids.

 

My issue is not that I can’t get control of my weight and get it low enough to get off the diabetes meds.

It’s not that I show up 5 minutes late to everything, that I sometimes forget a good friend’s birthday, or that I can be somewhat absent-minded about things that mean little to me personally.

 

My problem isn’t that when I’m woken up at 1:30 a.m. after nights and nights of little sleep that I can’t control my anger and calmly comfort my child back to sleep.

 

My problem is one that Julia never had, and one reason she remains someone that many women admire to this day.

 

And here it is: I don’t accept or love myself for who I am.

 

I am almost 40-years-old, and I have never really accepted myself and realized the good things I have to offer the world. I find myself constantly wondering why my husband stays with me, why my kids even love me, why I have friends at all and why God hasn’t struck me down for all these failings I have in life.

 

The clock keeps ticking, and I keep beating myself up for every little thing imaginable. I am beaten. I am bruised. I am abused by no one other than myself. And, I am exhausted by it all completely.

 

It is high time that stops.

 

I am not sure how I will go about rewiring myself into losing that self-destructive part of me that has defined so much of my persona until this point and time, but I must.

 

Inside of me, there has to be a Julia lurking. A woman who stands tall and takes life by the horns. One who looks at her personality and does not apologize for it, but recognizes that the world NEEDS passionate people who are driven to succeed. Someone who understands that, while her temper is something that should be controlled better, it is also a part of her very being that makes her who she is. Someone who gets that, just perhaps some of the many flaws that I have berated myself for having for years now, might actually be things that other people find attractive and interesting about me. The things that make me uniquely me.

 

And, there it is!

 

My tasty light bulb soufflé served up, not by Julia Child, but courtesy of my God who moves me on.

 

Bon Appétit!