FitCat Recap…

…when we last left my continuing saga with weight loss and overall improved fitness, I was trying to amp myself up with a pep talk of what I’ve done right, and mute out all those thoughts about where I am going wrong.

I’m not going to do that tonight.

I don’t think I need to.

With that said, I have not budged the scale in the right direction yet either.

After watching The Biggest Loser, I found myself so fixated on what went on with Tara this week. (SPOILER ALERT–DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU RECORD THIS SHOW AND HAVEN’T SEE IT YET!)

And, it suddenly dawned on me why I find myself completely inspired and rooting for her week after week, where others I know find her cocky and annoying.

I really get where she is on this show because I find, on some level, that I relate with my own weight loss program/group and my own journey.

Since joining the program with other diabetics, I’ve found myself feeling isolated a bit. I have made wonderful friends and I love the people in my group. I have no doubts that I will stay in touch with some of them when the program ends in May. And I cheer for them as they find their way to better health.

The first day of the program, there were some quick things I knew right up front. First, I wasn’t the heaviest person there by a mile. (Sigh of relief!) But, actually I wasn’t the lightest either. After one workout with our trainer though, I did know one thing: I was the fittest person in the group.

And, that fact made me feel proud. Did I still know that I have very far to go? Yes, most certainly. I was not the fittest I’ve ever been by a mile and I definitely needed to up my body conditioning to get there.

But, the thing I have to say that I am most proud of is that I’ve maintained at least a small level of fitness even through difficult emotional times. It only takes seeing your parent struggle with scary health conditions to make you feel your own age and your own mortality.

When given the choice in competition, all of Tara’s teammates decided to throw her under a bus this week by adding a ridiculous amount of weight to her car for the challenge. She was already mentally struggling because her weight loss has slowed incredibly right before she’s hit the 100 pound mark. I watched weaker teammates gloating and laughing as they did this and my heart sank.

And, Tara finally truly broke. Luckily, she had a friend to help her through. To make her realize how far she’d come and why everyone had turned on her. In the end, she won an incredible challenge, if nothing else than on spite alone. And, I actually let out a loud cheer in triumph for her!

My group has showed me more support than this by far, but that is not to say there are not negating comments along the way that have hurt and frustrated me. Tonight, one of those was, “Well, you and so-and-so are more where you need to be and you’re just toning your bodies now, not really having to lose weight.” It was like someone was telling me that my own journey has not been has hard as their own.

Oh, really? Because I weigh less than 300 pounds, that does NOT mean my journey is all cake and ice cream! I actually am only halfway to a goal I need to reach by May 1st. I don’t know if I’m going to make it. And, while my legs are toned and my fitness level pleases me greatly, I still struggle every day with diet.

Every. Single. Freaking. Day.

And, I know that will be what I always struggle with. Each day I try to learn something new and each day is a challenge. And, my scale has not been budging.

I have felt the weight of a 2-ton car and more on my shoulders as I watch my Dad struggle with health problems that I also have inherited. That could be me, and I know that. In fact, based on test results, that could be me when I’m 45 or 50, instead of him at 62. Even with being the fittest person in my group, I have a tough fight.

Sometimes it is hard feeling like you have to explain that or justify yourself when others do not have to do that.

In the end, Tara said it didn’t matter what everyone said, she was there for herself and no one else. She won her challenge and enjoyed her moment. (An aside–if it had been me, I would have taken that moment to also flip my teammates the bird, but hey…that’s just me.)

So, as I teared up tonight when I made this connection, I realized simultaneously that I have to keep fighting. I have to keep pushing. And, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. I cannot quit until I get to my goal and I get to a point that I can feel like I’ve done something amazing and long-lasting.

Nothing will stop me now.