When is too much, TOO MUCH?

I regret dropping off from posting, visiting and commenting on blogs lately. Facebook has eaten all free time, but I’m missing writing now. And I have to get something off my chest too…

Have you ever had an experience where you just had enough?

When do you know that something is too much and you need to walk away?

Now, have you had that same experience when it is happening to your kids and you have to make a choice for them and not yourself?

My son has been told he is no longer playing on his winning basketball team. And, he’s sad, but says he understands. I hope that he does, but a part of me knows his 9-year-old mind can’t understand why this choice has been made.

This season has been one of the hardest experiences I’ve had as a parent, especially considering I am a parent who played basketball myself through school and some for fun after school years, and I truly love the sport.

During this season, my son has experienced the following from his coach and/or team:

• Verbal praise to the point it was a little fake and excessive.
• Told he needs to “get out of the way” of his other teammates.
• Taught plays that “get him out of the way” so his teammates can get the ball and shoot.
• Verbally yelled at by several teammates when he didn’t execute a play correctly or didn’t pass them the ball.
• Witnessed several complete tantrums and meltdowns by a few players on the team.
• Witnessed teammates yelling at their coach, their parents, the refs during a game.
• Witnessed teammates yelling and pushing their own teammates during games and practices when they get frustrated.
• Saw his frustrated coach throw a basketball as hard as he could at own his son’s head when he was standing only a few feet away.
• Practiced every other day for 2-3 hours a pop over Christmas vacation to the point of complete exhaustion.
• Secret warm-ups more than an hour before each game, held at different locations so “the other team couldn’t scout them.”
• A coach who films their team and scouts other teams in his free time, analyzing every detail and coming up with new plays for every game. They probably have 30 different plays they are supposed to know and run.

Today was the last straw. Today, the coach’s son physically punched my son because my son accidentally bumped into him during the game while running down the court.

The coach’s response? Did he pull his kid out and tell him his behavior was inappropriate?

No, he kept him in and when questioned by me he yelled at me and told me that my kid needed to stay out of the way on the court, as if it were my son’s fault.

After the game and some really fake complements towards my son, he told his son to apologize to my son for “accidentally punching him.”

What kind of example are we setting for our kids when we condone behavior like this? What does it teach a 10-year-old boy to be allowed to throw tantrums, question the refs, refuse to listen to their coaches, and be abusive to their teammates?

When I played both basketball and volleyball, I learned so many lessons that I took with me to corporate America and also just to my personal life as an adult. Lessons about tolerance for other people, imagining yourself in someone else’s shoes, supporting your friends and teammates/coworkers even when they are down. These are skills that I feel have helped me in so many ways as an adult.

I have watched as my son’s self esteem has been raised up briefly and then flattened completely and fiercely. Objectively speaking, my son is not the worst player on his team, although this post may make him sound like he is. He’s actually improved quite a lot and is an excellent defensive player with improved shooting abilities too. When he came out of the game in the 4th quarter today, the team was up by many points. The other team almost came back and beat us because my son was not in to block shots and defend against the big guys.

Today, I looked at my son and I apologized to him.

I’ve let him down this season by trying to look the other way when a coach deflates his ego repeatedly. I told him that we’ve taught him to turn the other cheek, support your teammates and be positive. And, what has he gotten from it?

Today, my son looked down when I told him he was a special person and did not deserve to be treated that way by his teammate or the coach. In his eyes, I saw a familiar look that I have had in my own from time to time. And, I realized that my son BELIEVED that he DID deserve to be treated as less than a teammate, a friend, and a valuable member of his group.

In his eyes, I saw his heart completely deflated and I saw how much he felt like a failure. I realized that all this season while we’ve been trying to tolerate the ugly behavior and tell him he is doing great and ignore it, that he’s been taking it in…bit by bit…and believing it. And that just kills me completely inside.

Today, my husband and I pulled our son from his team 3 games before the season ends. A team that is 6-1 and has a very good shot of winning the playoffs. And, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do as a parent.

Today, we stood up for our son and for everything he’s taken all season long. We sent him a message that he IS special and he is NEVER to let someone treat him that way. And, while my heart feels bruised by what we had to do, my mind knows that this was the right choice.

Today, my husband tried to talk to the coach after the game and the coach tried to pick a fight with him. Calmly, he told the coach we are done with this. The coach told him he was glad my son was gone–his true feelings that we’ve always known coming to the surface confirming that we were right all along.

Today, I grew up a little bit more as a parent. But, most of all, I feel I did right by my son. And, for that, I have no regrets…