My Last Supper

(a posting from a prior blog life)

OK, pardon the religious reference in the title, but that’s how tonight felt…like it was my last supper. Tomorrow morning I see the diabetes doctor and face the treatment music and I’m really nervous about it all. Anyway, if it was my last supper, it sure turned into a sucky one, let me tell you.

I was trying to explain to my husband my logic, and he just didn’t get it.

“Your last supper?”
“Yeah, I think it’s the last time I can eat whatever I want without knowing what it does to my blood sugar,” I said.
“I would think you’d think of it as your last supper unmedicated and you’d want to be careful. At least later, you’ll be on medication that helps.”
“Yeah,” I said pausing, “…but later I’ll be accountable.”

So, tonight I was thinking, Pei Wei Asian Diner (one of my favorite spots) or something Chinese. I love Chinese, but I remember from when I had gestational diabetes that all those rich sauces really do a number on the old blood sugar.

Well, one thing lead to another and we didn’t eat Chinese. I settled for pizza–another decadence I will have to forever be careful with because the crust sends my body into crazy mode. But, not even that seemed to be in the cards tonight.

When we got there, my husband decided against pizza and wanted a calzone. I didn’t feel like getting the single slice deal, so, I went against my carby craving and went for something just as carb-loaded with the baked ziti. The place we went has fabulous food. But, tonight they were off their game. I sat and watched my family eat, trying to NOT eat all the garlic bread. But, when my order never came, I inhaled about half of that.

Finally, as everyone was finishing, my order came. It was good, but just not what I was hoping for on my last night of pretend denial about the diabetes. I just wanted one night to eat really foolishly–something I usually don’t do anyway except maybe around the holidays thanks to my obsessiveness about my weight.

After the sucky dinner, we came home and attempted to redeem the evening. Let me give you some advice, don’t try to redeem a crappy evening by watching the dazzling acting chops of Charlese Theron in “Monster.” It is the most depressingly real movie that I have seen since “Leaving Las Vegas” with Nicholas Cage. I see these movies that people rave about, that reviewers wave Oscar nods at, and I ask myself, “Why would anyone make such a downer of a film?” Did the filmmaker really want to make his audience see how really awful and pathetic some people’s lives are? Did he want me to be utterly disgusted that there are people who use other people in such a sad and sick way as in this movie? Did he want me to get THAT depressed on my last night of denial, really?

Caution: If you have not seen this movie and don’t want to know a thing about it, please stop reading here.

For the movie, Theron physically transforms herself into a really unattractive hooker. And, for this, she got rave reviews and some Oscar attention. I really think people were just shocked that she could make herself that ugly, to be honest. My husband and I kept getting distracted the whole movie trying to figure out how she made herself look so bad. Was it the weight gain? The fake yellowed teeth? No, surely she did something to her forehead? We never pinpointed just what it was she did to herself to make herself so homely.

But, my biggest question for Theron would be why? If you are THAT gorgeous, what would motivate you to “ug” yourself up like this? For a stupid depressing movie? For an Oscar? I think Theron is probably the most perfectly gorgeous actress the film world has seen since Grace Kelly. You didn’t see Kelly go and pull a stunt like this. No, she went and married a prince, led a glamourous life, and had a tragic death leaving us all remembering her as the young and beautiful starlet. Theron will now always have people remembering her as this disturbing killer. People might “ooh” and “ahh” over the fact that she transformed herself so much, but I don’t get it. No Oscar is worth getting pictures back of yourself looking like that, if you asked me!

And, this got me to thinking about the rotten luck Theron’s murderer had in the movie and the sad life she lead. Nothing went this poor woman’s way. Even the woman who showed her the only affection she’d ever known was using her. In the end, she goes to death row and is put to death while her lover goes free.

Hmm…I wonder…
Did she have a last supper too?
I wonder if she got Chinese?
But, most of all…
what I really, really wonder…
what I’d really like to know…
was HER last supper as SUCKY AS MINE???